Garden Thugs for Someone You Dislike

If you really don’t like someone give them a wild running bamboo plant, that’s my advice.If a friend asks for some and you gave them some they will hate you for it in a year or two. Some folks call them “thugs of the plant world”, some call them “spite plants”, I like to think of them as plants that are by their nature invasive or die easily or somehow bring pain to the recipient. And before you ask, no I’ve never given nor gotten them as presents.

Have you ever heard of a plant called a Jerusalem Artichoke or a Stachy or a Prairie Radish? These are some of the common names for the tallish green perennial with a white, edible root that is really quite tasty … in moderation. I brought one plant from my Mom’s farm, planted it in an open area and have been fighting them ever since. Nothing can kill these things … If the stem breaks when the plant is yanked out, the root simply sends up another plant. This plant also flowers, and reseeds itself and neither drought, raging lawnmowers or anything known to man can eliminate it once it has taken root.

As I said earlier, my number one favorite “spite plant” is the running Bamboo. They are natives of the Orient, and the hardier species have found a way to survive our New England winters and flourish. A lot of their success can be attributed to their ability to send runners great distances, under pavement and edging, and once established, they form impenetrable thickets that are almost impossible to eradicate. I have three groves of them that have taken up residency in with some shrub plants and I’ve been battling them for sixteen years, even trying herbicides that I use only as a last resort. Usually I get the urge to chop at them in the summer when they’re blooming and have attracted a huge assortment of bees, wasps, hornets and other flying friends, so in addition to the insult of not even damaging the plants’ survival, I get to be stung a few times for good measure.

Chinese or Japanese Lanterns are an invasive plant that I actually like and although their nature requires that they be grouped with these “bad boys of the garden world” their orange flower pods provide nice fall color and they can be dried for nice Thanksgiving arrangements. When you plant them just put them somewhere you want to “naturalize” and let them take over. If you try to control them you’ll end up like Bill Murray in Caddy Shack fighting a losing battle and wrecking everything in your path.

Yarrow is by far my most troublesome perennial pest. It’s interesting when speaking with other gardeners, that a lot of warfare terms are used to describe it including its primary means of spreading through “volunteers” and “colonizing”. Also to note, the Latin name is Achillea reminding one of the warrior with the weak heel. To the unwary, this charming plant forms a beautiful mound with a bunch of yellow flowers. For the first season it behaves, then the next year you turn around and it has spread through the entire bed. Flowering begins in late summer on tall stems that flop over if you don’t stake them. Cutting back in mid-summer only makes things worse. It freely self-sows, so don't think that pulling out the main plant will get rid of it so easily. I’ve found that once I started cutting the flower heads before they actually drop seeds we’ve come to a “truce” and can willingly coexist. The same is true for Beebalm and Obedient Plant (someone with a sense of humor obviously named this one).
For groundcovers, Vinca or Periwinkle (that dark-green creeping groundcover with those little purple flowers in spring) and Crown Vetch (that woody stemmed plant with pink flowers in the spring often found along highways) are pretty and look great in the seed catalogs but in my experience they’re uncontrollable pests. If you really dislike your neighbor you’ll plant these on your side of the lot line (they’ll travel through fences, walls, and generally any barrier) and watch the fun begin.

Just about any vine can be a Garden Thug, however if you dislike someone who is afraid of heights, you can suggest that they build an arbor over their deck and plant Wisteria vines (either Chinese or Japanese) and train them to grow over the arbor. These plants seem to grow inches while you’re watching them, and require constant trimming and pruning. As a bonus, the plants can grow so heavy that in nature they’re known to bring down mature trees with their weight, so the arbor will constantly need repairs and structural upkeep, and once the vines have really taken over they’re virtually impossible to kill. It’s easier to just move.

There are a couple of trees that are good presents for folks you hate. If you know someone who is a lawn lover, who really takes pride in a beautiful carpet-like mass of lawn, give them a Norway Maple and suggest that they plant it right in the middle of their beautiful lawn. This tree has roots that produce toxins that suppress growth of grass, garden plants, and generally anything under it at least as far as the drip-line, and your lawn lover will be driven to insanity trying to figure out what they are doing wrong.

If you know someone who is a lazy gardener, give them a Tree of Heaven, (Ailanthus Altissima) which is incredibly tough and can grow in the poorest conditions. It produces huge quantities of wind-borne seeds, grows rapidly, and secretes a toxin that kills other plants. This tree is seen growing in the inhospitable urban canyons and alleys and is virtually impossible to kill, and as a bonus the roots have been known to clog sewer pipes and to envelop leaching fields and ensure their failure.If someone gives you one of these as a gift there’s really no question as to what they think of you – they dislike you. You won’t go wrong if you run as fast as you can – the other way.


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